I’ve gone up to 445 and went down to 396, which is the “lowest” I’ve weighed in at least 7 years. Yesterday I was 407. Today I am 405.
I’m currently fighting self-sabotage because I have my annual checkup at my doctor on Tuesday. I have authority issues along with the need for approval. At my age, it’s the most ridiculous nonsense, but it’s deep-rooted and it is very much a problem. There is a part of me that wants my doctor (the “authority”) to be proud of me and for him to feel anything less makes me a “failure”. I wanted to go in there weighing less than I did the last time I was there. I wanted it so much that I pressured myself to the point that the stress from it triggered my emotional eating issues.
Now, my brain KNOWS this approval from authority thing is totally BS. Unfortunately, logic loses against the ingrained toxic abuse from my childhood almost every time. I put so much pressure on myself to make my doctor “proud”, that I’m straining with all my strength against the urge to cram comfort food into my face at the speed of light and in mass quantities.
Crazy? Hell yes. If not, it sure feels like it. I don’t know how I can possibly make things harder for myself. Honestly. I know I don’t deserve all this. I am worth happiness and health.
Too bad that doesn’t help when I’m in deep in the middle of this addiction/eating disorder/version of Hell.
some1saveme 